Matthew Vaughn’s Kick #SS
Sorry I don’t curse, and consider that word a curse word. Bite me! I think it is unconscionable that American society has degenerated so far down the totem pole that curse words are expected to be used as common parlance. There is a reason they were called curse words. They were considered evil and vile and those who spoke them were considered evil and vile. Ok, on to the movie review. This is a review of what was thought to be a superhero movie by Matthew Vaughn. The previews said it was a superhero movie. The media blitz said it was a superhero movie. Walks like a duck. Talks like a duck. So why isn’t it a superhero movie?
Don’t waste your money.
First of all, this was 3 movies in one. I mean seriously. Who writes this garbage. Come to find out the comic book was not even finished. So the actual story and idea was not even hashed out first. And, it shows. It is as if two or three different people were given the names of the main characters or separate names even, and went off to their separate corners to concoct their stories.
Ok, so we start off with plot number 1. We see a nerdy, geek in high school who is as nondescript as most C average students that make up the masses in America. Should we feel happy that a non-Grecian god is the star of the movie? Will he make the C students proud? No, he goes into a tirade of how he jacks off to his teacher, African women in national geographic and curses like a sailor.
The first 18 minutes of the movie were so hard to sit through I had to pray to Mother Theresa for strength and patience to get me through it. But, that was just preparing you for the boredom of the rest of the entire long, boring movie. The premise of the story hits at about the 24th minute into the movie. So for the next 9 hours we are going to find out how this pans out. “Why hasn’t anyone in the history of the world, who have read comic books, ever thought about and donned superhero costumes and become a superhero.” His friends respond with, “because that S**** is stupid and he’d get his but kicked, and be dead in a day.” I wish he would have listened to his friend because in two days he’s dead. Ok well almost. Can you say obvious?
So wood be comic reader, orders a scuba suit with mask and goes out to get his butt kicked. That is the entire plot. Wait, I mean for movie #1 that’s the entire plot.
I am not joking there are at least 3 plots in this movie. Next we meet Nicholas Cage [who apparently needs movie badly, since why is he in this movie, and he of course lent no acting credence to it] and his 9 year old daughter. They are obviously odd since they are negotiating over how many times he can shoot her with her bullet proof vest on versus if she will get to go bowling and have ice cream.
In this plot, these two superheroes are polished, assassins who have money, technology and an actual plan. And, that plan is to massacre the entire organization, man by man, of New York crime boss. Oh, did I say massacre, I meant slaughter like hogs and showing more blood than Interview with a Vampire.
Now you’re asking yourself, how does the geeky kid get involved with the two sado-masochists from a Quentin Tarantino movie. Well, one of the geeky boy’s friends dropped a hint that if he would tell a guy to stop harassing her, she’d put out. That’s not what she said, exactly, but that’s what every man under the age of 90 would pick up on. Yes, the movie is just that messy. So geeky boy goes to talk to the harasser and lo and behold, he just happens to be one of the men on the list of the slaughter mania twins. Enter the blood, violence and sheer over the top fights in movie history. The little girl proceeds to butcher everyone in the house, including a big tittied slut right in the chest and vagina. Oh they didn’t show her getting skewered, exactly, in the chest and vagina, but there was a sword through the door at chest height and one down at vagina height, that any human could assume, given her height, would be placed in those places. A favorite sword placement of the tiny tot, was between the neck and clavicle, plunging it down through the chest and lungs, and pulling it out for maximum blood splatter.
Here’s a conundrum, our 17 year old superhero, high-school nerd is catatonic after witnessing this gore first hand, but the 9 year old doesn’t bat an eye at it. Well, of course, she’s the one doing it, so it stands to reason.
Here’s another conundrum, while showing violence against women is a very taboo subject in movies, this one has not only a female getting shot out windows, taking brass knuckles to the face, and baseball bats to the teeth, but it’s a kid too.
Really? I mean really? Is that what Hollywood has debased itself to?
So plot #2 has an actual story to it, while plot #1 has no story to it.
It was long, boring, made no sense, was violent for no reason, had a 9 year old girl cursing for no reason and was pointless.
Oh, and there will be a sequel, for no damn reason.
Oh, I left out, one of the last fight scenes, was shot in the dark. How’s that for a kick in the balls. Hell I could turn on the radio and get better entertainment, if that’s what you’re gonna show me. A pitch black screen with shots being fired here and there? Bite me. Just go F yourself Matthew Vaughn.