Real Estate Investing: The Drunk Letter

The Drunken Letter

As a real estate investor 90% of your business is marketing. Marketing! Marketing! Marketing! It is the lifeblood of your business and you cannot have a business without it. As such, real estate investors seek the best return vs the least expensive way to market their investments or get more properties.

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The various marketing tools were and still are:

  • cold calling
  • direct mail
  • door knocking
  • signs
While no real estate investor would not do all of these, some of these are more successful than others.

Cold Calling

Anyone with a phone and some very thick skin can sit and cold call an entire zip-code over the course of a year or so to see if anyone in that area wants to sell or buy a house.  With telemarketers now flooding nearly all industries, it has made cold-calling obselete. Yes, telemarketers have ruined everyone’s “fun” in cold-calling. No more friendly reminders from the corner deli about half priced roast beef Sundays. No more life insurance agents calling to offer you a free toaster for just having a meet and greet with them.

Cold-calling is dead and buried. No real estate investor, worth his salt, would cold-call.

Door Knocking

As if cold-calling weren’t bad enough, actually physically going door-to-door is over and done with. No matter how good looking, smooth or charismatic you are, door-to-door is a complete waste of time. Why? The largest reason is that the feminists have won and no one is at home anymore to give you a cool drink of water or a hot mug of cocoa while you admire their needlepoint and how cozy they’ve made their home.


Although some people may hate them, signs do work. You might get the occasional busy-body that calls the number on your sign to complain how terrible it is you put up a sign to buy that vacant house that bums are squatting in doing drugs, meanwhile ignoring the political signs that are there an entire year after the voting is over, they do work. Strategic placement of signs work miracles.
The only drawback is retrieving them to not anger the gods of the bureaucracy, that seem to not notice the very trash blowing into your sign, to call you to take yours down for fear of “littering” your “fair” city.

Direct Mail

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There are basically two types of direct mail. Yes there are more, but why bother beating your head against a wall. There is the very inexpensive postcard and the awe-inspiring yellow letter.

The postcard is not new and it’s response rate is a reasonable 3%-4%. You won’t get a huge response, but at 15 cents per card, sending out 5,000 cards should keep you in stitches for at least a week.
Ah, but the granddad of all granddads is the yellow letter. It has an amazing, jaw dropping 35%-40% response rate. Go ahead, read that number again. 
But wait…
We’re not here to even talk about the yellow letter. We are here to talk about the Drunk Letter

Drunk Letter

The drunk letter is a take on the yellow letter that renders its 30%-40% child’splay. First of all, you’re going to need the proper yellow legal notepad paper.  It has to be 20 pound paper. [buy the paper in the image and it ships for free as-is, without any more orders, however you should get at least 5,000 sheets since yellow letters should be the lifeblood of your business anyway
Of course you’re going to print out this letter yourself. The 20 pound paper goes through the inkjet perfectly with no snaffoos.
Now the drunk letter is the new and improved version of the yellow letter.  It is an improvement that is equal to the set of 3 improvements on the yellow letter:
The bulk and dollar letter are almost the same and you can guess how to do them, but the drunk letter is the crazy marketing scheme that really floors people.

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Ex law school student. I was kicked out for revealing I had a heart actually beating inside. I used to be in a modern dance company. I'm working on my 7 miracles to be proclaimed a saint by the pope. #1 is really hard, but once i get over that hump the other 6 will be a cinch.

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