I’m Just Sayin: Chicks Can’t Wield Two Handed Swords

Female Heroes in Movies Are Dumb

Man with Zweihander

Don’t call me a woman hater or something stupid like that, but when I sit down to watch a period piece, i.e. movie set in a specific date in history, and the hero of the story is a woman, I know it is time to walk out of the movie.  Am I against women?  No!  I kinda prefer women; wink wink; nudge nudge.  But, having a woman jump thirty feet, kick ten guys, while punching five others and then body slamming two, is a bit much for my whole “reality-embedded” brain to handle.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am all for equal pay for women.  I am all for sharing of household responsibilities.  But, I am not going to divest my brain of all sanity and reason for 90 minutes just for the off chance, some obscure lesbian somewhere will get a kick out of watching a brainless bimbo do super heroic feats of strength by taking down 20 men twice her size and weight, in a single punch.  That might be great for that chick, but don’t expect me to buy into it.

What’s worse is, what message does this send to idiot chicks who think this is reality.  And, if you think I am joking around, let me tell you a story.

A chick came to my apartment once, when I was living with two other guys, and she proceeded to manhandle my roommate.  My roommate, being Latino, felt it his duty to allow her to thrash, not only, him, but our entire living room.  She proceeded to body slam him into shelves, desks, books and the t.v.  Well, I being the Capricorn and believer in equality that I am, grabbed her with 2 fingers, by the scruff of her neck and literally tossed her out of our apartment.  I then grabbed the two 90 lb guys that came in with her and told all of them, that they would never set foot in the apartment, as long as I lived there, ever again.  I think closed and locked the front door; told my roommates to clean up the front room; and went to bed.  I forgot to mention, I was completely naked except for a blanket I was holding around me with one hand, so this all took place with me doing this one-handed.

So let’s get back to these movies.  The person watching a movie is expected to identify with the hero of a story, somehow.  When it is a man, male viewers put themselves in the place of the hero, and women put themselves in the place of the damsel in distress.  When it is a female… noone identifies with her.  To this day, men still want to be heroes and women still want their knight in shining armor to come save them.

The reality is chicks cannot wield two handed swords.  Let’s take a look at a two handed sword.  The epitome of two handed swords, at least in Europe was that Zweihänder.  It weighed up to 16lbs and was up to 6 feet in length.

Guards could be plain or ornate, while hilts usually ended with heart or pear shaped heavy pommels. Occasionally a blunted portion of the forte, the ricasso or Fehlschärfe (meaning “missing sharpness”) at the base of the blade allowed a hand to be placed below the lower guard to “shorten the grip” and make the handle like a polearm. This allowed the user to crudely repel a cavalry charge. The swords have hilt-mounted side-rings and enlarged cross-guards of up to 35 cm (14 in) across. Along the blade, some 10–20 cm (4–8 in) from the upper guard, Parierhaken (“parrying hooks”) shaped like lugs or flanges acted as a guard for the ricasso to prevent other weapons from sliding down the blade. – wikipedia

Let’s see how a real man used the two handed sword:

Perhaps the best known user of a Zweihänder was Pier Gerlofs Donia who is reputed to have wielded it with such skill, strength and efficiency that he managed to behead multiple people with it in a single blow. The Zweihänder ascribed to him is, as of 2008, on display in the Frisian museum. It has a length of 213 cm (84 in) and a weight of about 6.6 kg (14½ lb). – wikipedia

So, a man used a 7 foot sword that weighed 14 1/2 pounds.  Excluding a few freaks of nature, for the most part, women cannot even hold that sword, even today’s much larger woman.  Remember we are talking about humans that lived about 400 years ago, and they were not 5’8.  The women definitely weren’t.

The Zweihander was Monstrous

So, what is hollywood trying to push when it makes women wield two handed swords, slide down banisters and kill 30 men?  Well, the answer is simple.  It’s a male fantasy porno.  Mind, you, it’s not mine.  I don’t do porno.

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Ex law school student. I was kicked out for revealing I had a heart actually beating inside. I used to be in a modern dance company. I'm working on my 7 miracles to be proclaimed a saint by the pope. #1 is really hard, but once i get over that hump the other 6 will be a cinch.

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