Movie Review: Predators

Predators 2010

Predators 2010

Predators (2010) directed by Nimrod Antal, stars Lawrence Fishburne, Adrien Brody, Topher Grace.  It is possibly the worst movie I’ve ever seen in my life.  It was boring, one dimensional and added nothing to the franchise.  To say there were plot holes everywhere, would suggest there was a plot of some sort.  After consulting some of the behind the scenes, perhaps the editor of the film itself is to blame, because some of the explanation as to why some characters are doing what in the film made it only to the cutting room floor.

This is no Dark Knight.  Adrien Brody attempts a cool, calm performance with a gruff, raspy voice throughout the film.  Instead of adding color to his character, you just wanted him to go gargle and STOP IT!  I’m not saying the acting was bad but, I’m just saying the acting was bad, or maybe it was the lack of script.

Predators opens up with several humans being dropped on an alien planet, presumably a reserve, predator hunting ground.  The humans all turn out to be various caricatures of earth’s version of “killers”, all except one, or is he?  But, the character has all of 12 lines in the movie so it doesn’t even matter.  There’s a plot twist, there’s that word plat again, but when we realize the “twist” we don’t care, we just want the predator to die and the human to win.

The characters, are all one dimensional portrayals of what we think of as killers here on earth, i.e. soldiers, mass-murderers, serial killers, thugs and mafia types.  It would be one thing if this movie could have explored each of these class of “killers” and add some depth to them, but any such explanation was not even touched upon in this 107 minute movie.  The movie was cut so short, as to appear to be a music video, more than a movie.  At any moment in the movie where you think you might see a glimmer of character coming from one of the members of this elite team of humans, they are killed off, almost always in mid-sentence to actually introducing a plot device.  “By the way I know how you can lure predators in because I used to …”kkkkkkkshuk thunkkkkk dead.  In fact my sarcasm is more interesting than any line in the movie.

Lawrence Fishburne Stars as Noland in Predators

Although Lawrence Fishburne gets top billing in the movie he literally has 5 lines in the movie.  Apparently he was on loan, simply to make a cameo and set up a plot… yeah right.  I already told you there was no plot.  I’m guessing someone got the bright idea to have him make a cameo and pay him untold sums of money for it.  You could literally remove his entire scene and the movie would have not been any different.  It’s literally just that bad.  Oh, not Lawrence Fishburne.  He was amazing.  But, his character and dialogue were… inconsequential to anything going on in the movie.  Except for the Japanese guy got a cool samurai sword from meeting him… racist much?  Here’s a guy that’s an expert with handguns, but apparently he wants to throw that away and get a katana, to fight against the 10 foot tall alien with dread locks and energy beam weaponry.  And, we all know crazy Black men, always have an ancient samurai sword laying around their lair … on alien planets?  Who writes this crap?  It’s like 7 degrees of trash.

Thank God there is no sex scene in this movie, because there is, in fact, a woman in it.  I was just cringing, thinking how they were going to work that in the movie.  And, with whom: the serial killer; the mass murderer; or the unemotional, completely detached and devoid of feelings lead character.  Because everyone knows unemotional, completely detached and devoid of human feelings men always desire to have a sexual encounter in the middle of a jungle, while being hunted down by aliens with ridiculously superior technology, to boot.  Surprisingly, Hollywood did let me down, or up.  I can’t figure out what I want, to disappointed that the movie wasn’t as horrible as I feared it would be or that a cliche’, out-of-place sex scene was not included in the God awful movie.

If I were grading the cinematography, this movie would fail so horribly.  Supposedly they are on a “jungle” planet.  But, they movie from Amazon like flora to … birch trees?  REALLY?  I heard of suspending belief, but this is God Damned Ridiculous.  At one point in the movie they are walking on shale rock.  Who was keeping track for them?  Could they not afford to shoot on location in Brazil for the whole movie?  Or has the rain-forest been decimated that much by clear cutting that you can’t shoot an actor walking in it for more than 5 minutes?

A whole lot of stuff just made no sense in the movie.  And, by no sense, I mean it was just meaningless.  At one point they sick predator looking hounds on the group.  The hounds are called off, and the viewer is left pondering what the point was.  Oh, oh, until the lead character “explains” that it’s just a test.  *FACEPALM*  That’s the best explanation they could come up with and excuse to show a CGI dog?  They literally could have had one of the dumber characters just say, “oh man those were wicked looking,” and it would have made more sense.  Because, that’s what the scene was actually about.  “Let me show you how cool these CGI dogs look.”

Who will like this movie?  Probably boys ages 9 – 14.  I can’t see anyone, with a brain, even sitting through this short film.

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shakaama

Ex law school student. I was kicked out for revealing I had a heart actually beating inside. I used to be in a modern dance company. I'm working on my 7 miracles to be proclaimed a saint by the pope. #1 is really hard, but once i get over that hump the other 6 will be a cinch.

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