Movie Review: "Vampires Suck"

Vampires Suck

Vampires Suck

Vampires Suck a spoof film based on the Twilight film series directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, starring Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Christopher N. Riggi, Ken Jeong, and Anneliese van der Pol.  The entire movie nearly mirrors the aforementioned Twilight movies and chronicles both 1 and 2 of it.  Since it is a spoof it is in fact a comedy.  I have no idea why so many critics felt it was beneath them to review the movie or take it far to serious, for its own sake, but I laughed all the way through it, to the very end line.

As mentioned, the spoof mirrors the Twilight movie, so the plot, of Vampires Suck, is nearly cut and paste of Twilight.  It starts with the opening scene of Edward, the hero vampire, turned love sick teenager full of teen angst for a human mortal high school girl, taking his life a la Romeo and Juliet plot twist.  Unlike Romeo and Juliet, noone ever dies… in Twilight… unfortunately.  Happily, however, neither the main character, Becca Crane (Jenn Proske), is NOWHERE near as whiney as the main character in Twilight.  She made me want to kill kittens listening to her whine in Twilight.  This iteration of the heroin of our story was actually quite light, funny and self deprecating in a cute way, not a oh my god cut up the river, not across the stream, sort of way.

Why are We Always Mistaken for the Black Eyed Peas

Normally in these spoof movies, however, they not only take shots at the main movie they are spoofing, but go through the entire genre.  While there were notable mentions in the movie, they did not take nearly as many shots at other movies.  Granted, the other spoof movies were playing catch up, so they had years of material to work with.  While the Edward character says “vampires are trendy” in the movie, we do not see actual spoofing of those other movies, or shows, or books.  They simply threw out one-liners and had cameos, sort of, of other material they were spoofing.  As in, they couldn’t hire the actual actors from those movies to show up as a real cameo.  I’ll not ruin it but, one of the spoof cameos is rather blasé.  Once you see it you’ll go “oh yeah … that’s supposed to be funny.”

One thing they stumbled on was the Jacob character, Jacob White (Christopher N. Riggi).  He was the werewolf in the movie.  While the Twilight movie actually developed the bond that grew between the Becca and Jacob character, this spoof movie let that entire sequence drop.  There was so much material there they could have worked with, but didn’t.  Instead when Jacob presents his ultimatum “me or him” to Becca, it rings rather hollow with the audience.  He was a total joke, though, in Vampires Suck.  Especially taking pot shots at him being shirtless throughout the whole God damned movie.  It was particularly annoying in Twilight.

Lastly the father, Sheriff Frank (Diedrich Bader), was the clueless, bumbling character in the movie, through which we are supposed to learn the sub-plots of the movie.  However, we don’t.  He’s simply comedy relief and over the top “you done crossed the line” adult humor you never want to hear from a father to a daughter.  Yes, you know exactly what I’m talking about there.  But, it was so damned funny.

Finally Vampires Suck could have been great, it could have been epic, but it was… safe.  I guarantee the directors and producers did not want to tread too harshly on the Twilight franchise, for fear of “you’ll never working in this town again.”  It was hilarious though.

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shakaama

Ex law school student. I was kicked out for revealing I had a heart actually beating inside. I used to be in a modern dance company. I'm working on my 7 miracles to be proclaimed a saint by the pope. #1 is really hard, but once i get over that hump the other 6 will be a cinch.

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